


The "F*ck-it" List

by BullySquadess



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Christmas fic, F/M, discussion of sex, mlsecretsanta, no actual smut tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-19 01:26:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11302884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BullySquadess/pseuds/BullySquadess
Summary: A tale of Christmas, sex coupons, and kink shaming. Written for mlsecretsanta 2016.





	The "F*ck-it" List

“Anywhere?” Adrien asked, his eyes sparkling in utter glee.

“Anywhere,” Marinette affirmed, delighting in the way her fiancé’s face lit up at the word.

All around the pair was a tangible sense of _Christmas_ , the apartment they shared decked out in enough string lights and tinsel to blind old Saint Nick himself. From the brilliantly colorful Christmas tree in the corner, to the scent of cinnamon and pine, all the way down to the discarded gift wrapping strewn about the living room, it didn’t get more festive than this, and Marinette had truly outdone herself in making sure her and Adrien’s first holiday living together was one to remember.

(Gone were the days of disappointing Christmas Eves. Never again would her love feel lonely on such a special night. Not on her watch.)

“Anywhere?” Adrien repeated, a subtle skepticism missing with his excitement as he practically bounced on their couch. “Like… _anywhere_ anywhere?”

“Well, anywhere within reason,” Marinette amended, fixing him with a faux-stern expression belied by her grin. “I don’t want us to get arrested.”

After the homemade jacket and personalized “Best of Ladybug and Chat Noir” scrapbook, this was the gift she’d most looked forward to giving Adrien. A gift so abstract, so _priceless_ , that it couldn’t be bought or wrapped. A gift of love, a gift of affection…

…a “sex wherever you want it” coupon.

Though he was far from an exhibitionist, Adrien had developed _quite_ the randy streak over the years. And while Marinette wasn’t exactly down to clown all those times he’d pull her into some alleyway after an akuma fight, she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t interested in seeing what one of his “outside the bedroom” fantasies would entail.

“I don’t… I can’t even…” Adrien raked his hands through his hair, looking overwhelmed in the best of ways.

“Don’t tell me you don’t have any ideas, Chaton,” Marinette giggled, leaning across the couch to place a kiss to his nose.

“No, the problem is I have _too many_ ideas,” Adrien bemoaned, hand falling dramatically across his forehead. “How am I supposed to just choose one?”

“Toss a coin?”

“For sex? How uncouth!”

“Well, I could always help you chose,” Marinette said, immediately regretting her offer the second she caught sight of his expression.

Adrien’s eyes lit up with a dangerous sheen of mischief. “Perfect idea!”

Sitting up straight, he made a grand show of clearing his throat, even going so far as to unfurl an imaginary scroll, and Marinette braced herself for what was inevitably going to be the most ridiculous-

“The list of places I wish to make sweet love to my Lady before we both die!”

His “Lady” suddenly wished she had stayed in bed that morning. Christmas or no.

“First up,” Adrien proclaimed, eyes scanning down his “list” before darting over to wink at her, “The top of the Eiffel tower!”

“Absolutely not,” Marinette deadpanned.

“Seriously?” he whined, deflating slightly. “You’re rejecting the first one?”

“Yes, because I’m not having either of us fall naked off the Eiffel tower just because we couldn’t keep it in our pants.”

Adrien blinked, tilting his head. “You know, you make a valid point. As someone who has been thrown off the-“

“You’re never going to let me live that down are you?” Marinette groaned.

“- I’ve gotta say, it’s one experience I don’t want to repeat sans-costume. Alright that idea is struck.” He soldiered on. “Next up, on top of Notre Dame!”

“Also no,” Marinette said, crossing her arms. “No desecrating a church.”

“C’mon,” Adrien teased, nudging against her with a smile, “That was where we had our first kiss. And it was where you gave me my first hickey. And remember that time we snuck into the chapel to-“

“No intercourse in a church,” she mumbled into her collar, flushing. Marinette made a mental note to atone for all the times she’d debauched her fiancé in one of Paris’ holiest sites. “Next.”

“Your car.”

“Nope, too small.”

“My car.”

“… tentative maybe…”

“Aw yeah,” Adrien exclaimed, pumping his fist, “One for five, not too shabby!”

“So that’s it?” Marinette asked, making a move to rise from the couch with a sly grin. “Seems do-able to me.”

Adrien’s arm hooked around her waist, hauling the snickering girl into his lap, and trapping her there. “Not even close, Princess. I’ve had three years to craft this list and it is _extensive_.”

“Okay,” she sighed, craning her neck to peer up at him, “Let’s go. Lightning round.”

“Swimming in the Seine,” Adrien shot off.

“No. Germs.”

“Park bench at sunset.”

“No. Also Germs.”

“The Louvre.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Why do you want to have sex in the Louvre?” Marinette’s finger flew up to press against his lips. “And if you spout the cheesy ‘I wanna pin you to the wall like the piece of art you are’ line this game is over.”

Adrien cocked a brow. “What if I want you to pin me to the wall like the piece of art I am.”

A pause.

“…another tentative maybe…”

He whooped.

“But this hypothetical sex would have to happen hypothetically at night and we would need to destroy all the hypothetical security footage!” Marinette rushed to amend.

Adrien shrugged. “Free sex tape.”

“MOVING ON. What’s your next location?”

“My father’s desk,” Adrien suggested.

“Absolutely never,” Marinette said, aghast at the thought.

“Your sewing desk?” he tried.

“Unless you want to get pins in your ass…”

“Noted. Janitors closet at work.”

“No.”

“Locker room at work.”

“What’s with you and semi-public locations? I’m kink-shaming. No.”

“In a lovely cottage by the sea. Midnight of the spring equinox. Both us naked on a bearskin rug before a crackling fire. Champagne. Fancy chocolates. The wind echoes with the sound of a distant carnival, or perhaps a woodland feast. One of us is softly weeping.”

Marinette turned, smushing both palms against Adrien’s cheeks and peering deeply in his eyes. “Are you okay? Do I need to call someone? You can tell me if you need help.”

“Ish thad a no?” he mumbled between pursed lips. She nodded and he huffed through his nose.

Marinette dropped her hands, holding in a giggle at the sour way he continued to regard her. “What?” she asked, shrugging off his pout and wiggling till she found a comfortable spot atop his lap, “You can’t seriously believe any of that was plausible.”

“Okay,” Adrien concede with a sigh, “so maybe some of my fantasies are a bit far-fetched. But you can’t seriously want us to have vanilla bed sex for the rest of our lives. I’ve heard some of the things you whisper under your breath when I’m Chat Noir. Your thoughts are far from pure.”

“Branching out and getting arrested for public indecency are two very different things,” she pointed out, trying to be a realist. “There’s a fine line between being an adventurer and an exhibitionist, Chaton.”

Adrien gave a vaguely conceding hum, and Marinette decided to cut him some slack. Sure he could be a bit idealistic, but there was definitely potential there for some very interesting scenarios.

She bit her lip, cupping his jaw and drawing his gaze. “Do you want to hear a few off of my list?” she asked, soft and inviting.

Adrien grinned, nuzzling up close. “I’m always down to hear about my Lady’s fantasies. As long as they include me of course.”

“Alright…” she began, placing a hand on the cushions below them, “this couch.”

“Perfect,” he praised, “Yes. Let’s get on it right now.”

“Seriously?” she snorted, fending off his attack of kisses, “I haven’t even gotten to all the good stuff!”

“There’s something better than couch sex?!” Adrien asked, smile cocky “Oh, _do_ tell.”

“Up against one of your arcade consoles.”

“Holy shit, yes.”

“The balcony, under a blanket of course.”

“Also yes.”

“The dressing room of one of your photoshoots.”

Adrien whistled. “Wow, mutual fantasy discovered. We are _definitely_ doing that one.”

“You aren’t saying no to a single one!” Marinette objected, poking a finger to the center of his chest “Aren’t you even a little picky?”

“Nope!” Adrien chirped, smiling widely in contentment. “You could take me anywhere anyhow anyway and I’d be 100% on board.”

Oh. He was going to regret saying that.

Marinette’s face twisted with a mischief that spelled doom.

“Me, dressed in a Hawkmoth costume and you have to call me “Daddy Papillion” the entire time.”

Adrien shuddered, _violently_ , looking at her only to find no shred of mercy. “I mean… let’s not-“

“You, covered in honey with a thousand ladybugs crawling across every corner of your body.”

“Every corner?” he squeaked.

“Ever. Corner.” she replied sweetly. Maliciously.

“Uummmmm…”

“Normal sex, but I’m wearing a hyper-realistic Nino mask.”

“I don’t-“

“We have sex on the Eiffel tower but jump off halfway through. We have to climax and transform before we hit the ground.”

“Marinette!”

“So there’s this game called Five Dildos. You take five dildos-“

Adrien was shrieking at this point.

“Oh! I got a scenario! You and me in your bed but Plagg is staring into your eyes the entire time.”

“OKAY THAT’S ENOUGH FANTASIES!”

Marinette broke out into great snorting peals of laughter, watching as Adrien shoved a hand through the front of his hair. He looked haunted, his eyes flashing with what she was sure was a whirlwind of increasingly horrifying images, and perhaps she would have felt bad if it wasn’t so goddamn hilarious.

“What’s the matter, my prince?” she choked out between giggles, “I thought you said anywhere anyhow anyway?”

He threw a pillow at her face.

* * *

 

_“Good Morning Paris, and welcome to your eight o clock news. Today’s headlining story: There has been a break-in at the Louvre, marking the first time in six years anyone has managed to get past the museum’s world renowned security. Even stranger, the only thing that appears to be missing from the exhibit is section of overnight surveillance footage, leaving law enforcement officers baffled over who could commit such an odd crime…”_


End file.
